I popped my head up for  moment, a brief passing second in the reality of my span, a time so insignificant it really shouldn’t have had any impact on me at all and yet here I am being pushed by forces into some catharsis I don’t rightly welcome.

I don’t know my chromosomal make up, I’d never considered it until this week, I’m the kind of person that doesn’t really bother with the hows and whys we get to a point, I’m the type of person that deals with the issue in front of me and if find a solution means looking at the history then I will otherwise I just keep moving forward.

The debate around intersex in sport has me thinking about my medical history mostly because of the feminist angle where women who were born, inspected by a midwife and noted as their sex now understand that woman means being XX, without even acknowledging that they have no idea of their own chromosomal make up and therefore have no claim to womanhood because they can’t prove it.

Feminism undermining women, well done feminism, you really are great.

So that you understand one part of the intersex condition here’s mine.

I was butchered at birth, some might say corrected, over the course of my life the scar tissue didn’t grow so I had more surgery on my genitals with every slice into my skin causing more nerve damage I have no sexual feeling and I don’t have a sexual body, I’ve had no skin to skin contact in 15 years. I say I’m cool with it but I’m not, it’s just a mantra I repeat to comfort myself.

I live in a state of constant physical insecurity, I try to accept my body but I know it’s not right and its current female iteration is a compromise I was forced into because of the choices that were made on my behalf as a child.

I spent my younger years being ferried from clinic to clinic, they have clinics for kids where they inject us with stuff “developmental issues” those two words cover a large amount of ground in lying to hermaphs although it’s a wonderful catch all term that doctors use to stop being too specific, one of the boys there used to get growth hormone shots, another had bone issues, I had whatever my mam explained to me I had in the best way she could through tear filled sad eyes.

Those innocent sentence of “ it’s ok, no body is ever perfect, that’s why chemists are always so busy”…… fuck me I’m crying again, this is my third time of trying to sort this blog post out and I can’t stop weeping. ( starting spliff )

Lets consider how this lie affects later in life. I was in love, I was almost married and the woman I was with was everything you could ever want to find in a woman. Opinionated, intelligent, with a plan to life, she had it all hacked and ultimately the head spin and subsequent brain explosion of being told you’re a hermph didn’t just fuck my life but hers too. Try waking up with the thought that every relationship you’ve had has been based on a lie.

Try having to recontextualize your child abuse, you life long view was that dad didn’t fuck your sisters so it must be a boy thing, and then you find out you’re a hermaph and you start to wonder if you were your dads body temperature spunk bucket that he didn’t even see as human so he fucked you, but that didn’t matter because you where butchered so badly that nerve damage made it more tolerable, following the subsequent operations as I grew I have no sexual sensation, I accept this body but it’s not mine, never has been

There’s lots of little things to think about, I’m still trying to bend my head around the medical system

Granted, my intersex experience isn’t the same as any other intersex person, although I do now know one other hermaphrodite but we don’t hang or anything there’s nothing more boring than someone pointing out the political context to everything in the world when really all I want to do is stand here and enjoy it going on around, oblivious, the way she moves through life and the way I want to feel life are two separate paths

The language of denial from a section of the feminist is quite well considered and you have to give the feminists their due, they can be both expressive and polite while pointed use of language that the Trans rights lobby lack which is why they only shout TERF.

TERF basically means , “Intelligent woman with a correct opinion back up by science and denied by both men and people that like men in dresses”

So one polite woman pointed out that the “ belief” that Caster female, and this is important; when a midwife puts on the catchers mitt and then calls the ball, it’s the same process the world over for everyone. Unless of course this woman is right and that this observation is only a belief then I can only assume that the women who are calling caster a man should go get chromo so they can have their suspicions of womanhood confirmed.

This conversation has gone beyond just sporting fairness and the last couple of blogs but into the denial of not just Casters lived experience as a girl and woman but past that and there’s a very sniping contingent of feminism, it’s not exclusionary but it does lack respect and even the maybe sort of attempt at empathy and I do mean empathy, I’m an emotional wreck but I know I don’t want sympathy.

 

My guy has great weed and it’s sunny out……….

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3 Comments Add yours

  1. Sam says:

    You are missed on Twitter but we will still be listening here and cheering for you. Maybe being away from Twitter will be good in a way I hope, for you -though hopefully temporary? Much foolishness still happening.

    Like

    1. Eden Walker says:

      i’ve appealed . apparently calling someone a keyboard rat is worse than is worse than threatening to rape someone

      Like

    2. Eden Walker says:

      i’m over on instagram @eden_cyclingbore

      Like

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