Ramblings from a brain damaged woman procrastinating

Talks about brain damage and killing yourself along with personality changes from a personal point of view

Unless you’re one of the super rich money hoarders the two constants in life are death and taxes, sometimes for some people death comes all too soon and sometimes we even kill ourselves.

We don’t pass on, we die, we stop being in that instant and decay sets in, we don’t move on to anywhere.

Death to me would be a relief but having already failed to kill myself recently, thank you Jamie for keeping me alive, I think I need a new approach, but this post isn’t really about me but the cause of the situation I’m in.

Since my crash and the brain damage I struggle to recognize the person I am, in many ways I’m same, you might not notice but there has been this shift in who I am. If you look at the scans of my melon with the specialist he’ll point out these areas of damage that look tiny but those unremarkable little flecks on the screen have undone my sense of self through memory loss and the forward looking world view.

I am crushingly pessimistic, I see nothing good on the horizon not just on a personal level but globally. The therapist has stacked Emotionally unstable boarderline personality disorder on top of a PTSD thing; I agree to being emotionally unstable, BDP is the bit that calls me a pessimist for which they want to give me pills. I don’t understand why they aren’t medicating the optimists because those fuckers are pure delusional.

Sadly if I got started in on how my new brain works people would think  was some conspiracy nut when in fact seeing that global warming will be so great in my life time that the human migration would be staggering, the death toll will be massive, and your lawn will die in high summer.

Fuck it all ready got m toe in the water.

We are in a point in history of the first truly asymmetric conflict, it’s not an information war. While knowledge is power this is about the oldest tool in the box; population control and manipulation and the idiots on the left and right arguing the toss are either deeply complicit or so old, out of date and ignorant, the later being the scarier option.

I dare say in the time that’s passed since Snowden things have been re-tasked and no government in the digital need permission to collect your meta, if you think it stopped you’re stupid, the only reaction to it is to learn-adjust-improve-deploy.

Hacking is fun and if you work in the building with the best toys, with a clearance and you’re a hacker digging for 0-days then you’re happy as a pig in a mud puddle, why would a government move back from doing a digital Stassi when they can just dig a deeper hole to hide It in.

It’s obvious why a oversea interested parties would love all the data they can get and nudge a population. In the UK I see the politics of confusion deigned to make noise and distract the voter, bullshit fact-less narratives not informing, not questioning and allowing the politicians get away with everything. This highly promoted piecemeal ignorance stokes the fires on both side and creates a social division, the sound bite narratives giving slogans for people to shout at each other.

Social division is a good thing, the last thing anyone wants is a population all against you because you don’t stand a chance and while we are shouting at each other we aren’t demanding that the politicians do what’s right, act in the manner of an MP and not put their own interests first.

It’s all a series of simple mis-directions and sketchy nonsense, I think it was in the 1960 in Australia that the left wing PM at the time was ousted after a sustained coordinated between British Intelligence and the press, that press company went on to be one of the biggest right wing media news outlets in the world.

I actually think that there’s been a long term plan to disengage the population from the political process, can you imagine if the young black youth rallied behind Femi, the power they hold in their hands, politicians would have a shit because it wouldn’t be about old people anymore, it would be about inner city kids.

Prime time TV for the brain dead, first it was people in their homes watching people in a house and now you’re in your house watching people watch TV; you fucking vegetable. If you watch Eastenders you’re happy you’re life isn’t so shit, or Kardashians because you want to escape you’re shit life but either way you’re voiding your shit.

Once we fought against ID cards and know you’re all GPS tagged and you pay someone to do that, you live I a world of increasingly shrinking social isolation spending more time on your phone, headphones in living in your own global echo chamber magnifying discord with other groups that you shout at in those protest slogans.

Let’s hypothesise that the US wanted to install a new leader in lets say somewhere like…….. erm…… I know, Venezuela. The Us has a history so the CIA is quite good at these things. Trump says “ go opposition guy” and then the opposition guy gets media time globally because Trump gets the new political digital engagement and he drops bombs, next spread dissent and then you could have an infrastructure failure, giving the population more to complain about and they’re all joined in the one direction and in a few week you get the guy want and the US invests in Venezuela for a good deal on oil to make them less dependent on OPEC.

And I wasn’t even stoned writing this

I have no good thoughts in my head, I said on twitter that I think for some of us we never give up hope it’s just buried I a hole pile of shit and darkness of no particular variety but it has me pinned here.

Obviously I’m quite cognisant, some might say I’m a little it wonky and I’d have to agree I was always a happy skeptic and now I see us a nasty vindictive species and I don’t want to be part of it and it’s difficult to handle, my front lobe lights off and I can turn into a fucking arsehole and I hate that, I’m difficult to live with and that’s got worse since I smashed my bike in a mental fit after being fucked out of my place on the ride London and a refund issued, training for that hurt so much I felt so robbed I just exploded and smashed it pieces sold everything else, this is the destructive nature of me front lobe damage, as I said arsehole that’s difficult to live with, now I’m not riding my mental health is failing and I’m remedicated.

If you crash, check your helmet, keep it if it’s scuffed and go to hospital, sometimes it’s not just the hard hits that you need to watch out for.

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