I need a change in attitude, I wonder if I was as hard on those that worked under my supervision as I am on myself.
Some interesting things have come in therapy and I’ve had my mind blown apart by the thought processes resulting in ……. I am my own abuser, fucking weird right ? But here it is.
I don’t agree with the cycle of abuse, I think that is just something thought bots came up with the give an excuse to people who abuse others “ daddy made me do it” is a fallacy, my reason for this is because we aren’t all monsters, most in fact aren’t so to me it’s just a bullshit cover for abusers so they get unwarranted sympathy.
For weeks my therapist has sat their and said pretty much nothing other than questions, it’s been very one sided, I think his office is mic’d because he doesn’t take notes. In his view I am –
Highly Driven I will throw myself into something with full on …. Blah blah
Goals are important but I use those in a self sabotaging way setting unrealistic targets which I fail to hit and the punishing myself through food, cutting, scalding, and violent sports, when I succeed I’m overly critical for not doing better.
I’m in total denial about my child abuse, while I can acknowledge it and speak about it I’ve not dealt with it and it’s that connecting me to my self punishment and while I’m strong enough to tackle the ramification of the cycling crash, the physical and the mental I’m also unwilling to deal with the sexual, physical and emotional abuse.
I’m un-naturally self controlling, this is related to my unwillingness wo engage with childhood, I’m contained, self contained, restricted , it goes on for a while but that’s the thrust of it but it goes on to say about my front lobe damage and reduced impulse control fucking with need for self control and causing internal conflict basically putting my back into the failure punishment loop for not owning my shit, I’m paraphrasing. He also the believes the diagnosis of Emotionally Unstable BPD is inaccurate because that caused my a TBI which can’t be chemically treated.
I think that’s the worst of it.
I do those things; I don’t know why I scald myself, I think it’s that chemical realise because it feel good, I like pain, I always have and I have a strange relationship to it, the twisted thing from my point of view that really fucks me mentally is that if my pain thing is connected to my childhood trauma and as an adult I quite like pain then how fucked up am i?
FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! I can’t have that thought, it makes me panic a bit.
The cutting is stress relief, the food is weight management, and violent sports? Really? Yes I like combat sports because I don’t mind being hit and it’s cool banging with someone who wants to bang.
I’m not going to deny that I’m damaged, my brain damage took away my ability to separate my childhood from my present, flashbacks fucking terrify my but I’m also very scared about talking about that stuff it’s like my diaphragm stop working and my tongue get fat in the back of throat, I want it come out but that only leads to two things, pity and judgement; it’s also almost impossible to think about without feeling wretched.
I even have a voive in my head telling me let it go but something in me fights hard to keep it in, I’ve keep the details in for so long, the important things, even now typing this I’m taking gulps of air fighting panic rocking in my office chair typing spurts.
I have to stop.