oh my day’s this might almost be positive

Recovering my professional skill set is more is more involved that just working towards being able to use the software again it’s also about emotional management, it forces me to literally talk to myself trying to understand that thing in my head that make me want to break my shit.

I never had that anger frustration thing, until the crash I didn’t understand stress because I never suffered from it and it’s that’s stress that’s making me quit on model building exercises; I have 20 model fragments, things I’ve started and walked away from because I could figure out hoe to do the most simple things like “ what’s the quickest way to cut an arch into a surface to make a recess”?

That question is day 1 modelling school, it took me five days to figure out how to do it in a way that keeps the geometry flowing, you can tell when does that because the edge face, or the wire frame look tidy, almost beautiful.

Don’t get me wrong I didn’t sit there for five days, I did work on other aspects of the model but my brain ran that question and then the next time I tried I had success and it sounded like this “ yaaaaay me “ followed by a quick self deprecating “ fucking idiot why did it take you so long, you deserve a biscuit”

I’ve noticed I give myself scooby snacks after a success, this goes back to childhood when dad would test me on maths and physics and not let me eat until I got shit right and nobody likes to go to be hungry although one night I did miss out on cheese cake and sobbed myself to sleep.

Why couldn’t the brain damage take all that shit?

I’m currently build an AT-ST from Star Wars, the reason I work with Star Wars is that I don’t have to enter creative process, the reference materials are all there and frankly the crayon monkey part of me is dead, my wrists and so fucked I lack the pen control and my speed is so slow I wouldn’t give me a job, but it’s all computer based you might say, not for me, one of my biggest selling points was I produced old skool hand rendered images, and while clients like the 3D output they love the and appreciate the skill of hand renders, I also think a designer with a pen is way quicker.

I also get a sense of comfort in Star Wars, it was my thing as a kid, I know what I’m building should look  like when I’m done. It’s taking me forever so far, to build the AT-AT took me four days but that was pre crash, I’m on my fourth day today and I’m struggling.

One of the best bits of this job is taking a basic cube and figuring out how to sculpt it, that mental problem, how to then build that so that all animated part interact properly, so that when it’s run through Substance the texture applies properly for baking and then in this case, figure out the walk cycle and animate it.

So far I’ve built half a foot and half of the cabin and I’ve got some reference for the interior so in thinking of building that too for no other reason because it’s there, my own mental mountain.

I suppose the other problem is my standards of work haven’t lowered, so I suppose I’m treating brain fart me the same as I would fully functional me, it feels very much like sitting at my desk all those years ago with “ Learn 3D max in 21 days” a three inch book that came with it’s own CD, I look at that as being the best £75 quid I’d ever spent.

The great bit is, I have the basics now, it’s taken me over two years since the crash to get here but I am able to build a model, lets just see how it deforms in the end and then if I can fix that.

First of all I’ve got not to quit.

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