Running on a broken leg

Some have said that I’m over reacting to my brain damage, I’ve had a doctor tell me that as I was higher functioning before the crash what I’ve lost isn’t really that much of a loss as I still function well.

The NHS isn’t equipped to handle the problem, it seems that the NHS is only there to help the worst case scenarios, if I was a dribbling wreck instead of how I am the NHS would come running with slight service it offers.

My brain damage is quantified through testing and as long as you’re okay it seems that there is no program to help me advance beyond the basic, the NHS is all about sticking plasters and streamlining the process so that you’re not on the books.

I haven’t lost my design engineer need to solve a given problem, the desire to engage with the process is still there and I honestly thought I could construct a solution to my memory loss, Ive tried brute force through repetition and I don’t know if I’m just relearning the software or if something is happening, it’s difficult to understand the healing process when you can see the problem, if you break you leg you know how the healing process goes, you can see it and you know that running on that broken is impossible, yet I wonder if that’s what I’m trying to do.

I set myself a task in 3D max to produce a model in a set timescale, I failed miserably and then spent the evening chastising myself for being so shit and then while in bed, just as I drift off to sleep the mental stress of the day easing off, that crackling noise that lives inside me subsiding and then I had the first moment where I thought things might be working.

“ oh shit that’s just a chamfered Ngon”

I rush to the computer, naked, my cats scatter from the bed as I throw my lovely handmade New England quilt and even in the 10 seconds it takes to walk from the bedroom to the computer I’m telling myself to go back to bed.

The next three hours I spend sat wrapped up in my chair with a blankie trying to work it out before heading back to bed at sunrise satisfied that what I thought was a solution wasn’t.

Part of my problem is that there are several ways to build a model some of which would give the same outcomes many of which won’t and the model has b built correctly so that textures can be baked on, but beyond that, I have a need to create a beautiful mesh, you might know it as a wire frame, is you don’t know what I’m talking about I suppose the simplest way of explaining it is that on 3D Model you might sometimes see what you might think are contour lines that interlink to make a net over the model, that net is the mesh and that mesh should flow it should be easy to understand so that if anyone else need to work on the model they understand what’s going on.

One of the main issues is being able focus and concentrate long enough to achieve something worthwhile, at the moment I’ve been working on the same model for a week I’ve hardly progressed beyond the first element, something that would have taken me half a day previously, the other problem I have is the “ what the fuck am I doing” factor, the voice in my head that nags me to quit, at that point I go away and drink tea, have a bit of cake and on the occasion a bit of cry.

I don’t know if I can continue doing something that fills me with so much hope but it also so negative as it reminds me how broken I am mentally and I wonder where I might apply my work ethic, my need to work and how I can craft myself a professional future, a future better than this .


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