Since what has now been classified as a ‘cardiac event’ and not riding I actually feel better about things, I’m not angry at myself for being shit but also because I get to do other things.
Being a Geordie bird that predates home computing one of the things we used to do as kids was hang out up the allotment, dad had a good ten poles of very productive stuff going on, granny Oram had quite a substantial veggie plot in her garden and everyone that’s anyone grew their own somewhere; gardening is love almost as though I born with a spade in my hand.
Nine years ago when I viewed the flat it was the garden that sold me, the size is something I can’t believe is common in London, 5m wide and 20m long gloriously private, only being overlooked by Mr Naked Bear and his boyfriend who don’t seem to mind at all about the slightly scatty woman pottering around in a sports bra and SHORT shorts while trying to undo what I learned was 20 years of neglect. Sheila my elderly neighbour told me nothing had been done for decades and it’s taken me 8 years, 60 tons of soil, muck, stone, and compost and a shed load of back breaking days but I see a new lawn at the end of the tunnel.
It’s nice to see a long term goal almost finished, it makes me feel good not only because the lawn would tick of gardening checkpoint but it would just be a better place to be, the goal thing is important though; my whole life has been goals, targets and deadlines, it’s strange not to have them
As I can’t ride I didn’t see any point in spending any money out of the budget on bike stuff so I bought gardening stuff instead, although when the doctors said take I t easy I doubt they had moving 4 tones of landscape materials through the flat as appropriate exercise.
Mentally I’m still having a struggle to the point that I went to see a fucking Rabbi, I really am reaching for something but I don’t know what it is, but it feels like there’s a little void somewhere inside of me that needs filling.
I’ve given up either fighting for a looking for work. Once upon a time prospective employers used to say we can’t reply to everyone because of cost which I kind of understand but really I find it lazy, annoying and discouraging that employers and recruiters seem so lazy they can even be bothered to send out a mail shot email from an excel spreadsheet telling the unsuccessful that they weren’t selected, seriously no stamps, no postage no excuses other than corporate laziness, lack of attention to the small things and disregard for anyone that’s no seen as being a corporate commodity.