So close

The 28th December I finally got round to killing myself, obviously it didn’t work although not for the want of trying and I ended up in hospital.

I have this suicide hangover, left with this mental void. I’m alive but not living, mentally it’s a strange place to be, I can have a perfectly good conversation with anyone but in the back of my mind I have the something extra, and unwanted, that informs me of the numerous ways I can try next time, it’s visual flashes really.

I’m broken mentally, life has truly kicked the shit out of me and if I have to listen to one person tell me things will get better I’d probably poke my eyes out, that light at the end of the tunnel is just some bloke with a flash light and a fresh bag of shit, that hope that people tell you to hang on to is an illusion; that hope they speak of is just an excuse they use so you don’t die in front of them because people just don’t deal with death very well.

The unexpected result of this is my gran, well a thought of her lecturing me on “ all of the things our people went through and you want to throw away your life” and people think Catholic guilt is bad, try living with Jewish self punishment.

I have few friends, I lost them when my engagement died after my ex ran off to be play at being a straight woman, the pain of gang rape, living memory that my father was nonsey little prick fiddling with me stinking of stale whiskey. I’ve made the most of what I am, I’ve worked in spite of my abuses, I got through everything and still managed to maintain this outward hard arse mask, people like the mask, no one wants to be around a misery chops and I’ve become more miserable over time.

I lock the world outside, since my crash and brain damage I can’t function properly, I’m frustrated and increasingly isolated, useless and in my head the future is grim.

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6 Comments Add yours

  1. Val says:

    I missed seeing your tweets. Glad I found your blog again. Sucks what you’ve been through. I have no answers, no judgment, but wanted you to know I missed you.

    Like

    1. Eden Walker says:

      thank you, i hate being like this but since my brain damage it’s quite intense. I might come back to to twitter after a few months

      Like

  2. thesultrysinglespeeder says:

    I don’t want to be the it will get better type but I’ve also been through 2 suicide attempts and life is still constantly a pain, what I do now is have a gritty resolve to slowly kick the fuck out of life till I get something I hope I can cope with.

    I also deeply resent the self-help, light at the end of the tunnel people, they make my skin crawl off my body.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Eden Walker says:

      It’s the brain damage and feeling useless, I still haven’t paid for my PhD which I can’t even remember and something just snapped

      Like

  3. I don’t have any first or second hand experience of this, so am not going to add anything profound or try to make out I can understand the enormity of what you are going through, so I will just say that you are in my thoughts and I am here and continuing to read your blog.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Bicycle Queen says:

    I’m glad you’ve found yourself well enough to update this blog even if it was just to let us all know the the most awful situation you have gone through. I hope you take some comfort no matter how small knowing that out there there are people who, like me, might not know you personally, but are / were thinking of you when you went off Twitter and wondering what had happened. I can’t add anymore to what’s already been said before me.
    All I will add is I have missed you on Twitter kiddoh😉

    Like

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