Since breaking my spine and the brain damage and things I’ve not been able to work and this brings a new pressure to my life that I’ve only experienced a twice before, I live in poverty.
I’m broke, when I say broke I don’t mean I’m down to my last £10, right now I can’t afford a pint of milk, 49p, if it hadn’t had been for my wonderful Jamaican neighbour and their glorious snapper it would have been three days since I last ate something substantial.
There have been days when I consider selling my things to eat, those days when you don’t even have a tea bag that hasn’t been used three times. The financial pressure is far greater than the physical pain or my mental torment of fighting my head voice urging me to “ just take ‘em all” or “ if you just jump over the edge you’d be dead when you hit the hit the water”.
I’m not a relaxed person, I’m laid back but I’m also taut, I fight against myself and it’s constant.
Mental and physical wellbeing is connected to diet and when your diet includes only eating five proper meals a week, one meal five days a week in the evening, my morning rides are always done pre eating because I have no choice.
I never expected my life to be like this again, I swore in my formative years that I would never be poor again, then I lost everything at 24 as taking drugs became more important than running a business and I swore I’d never make that mistake again and yet here I am stuck in this poverty repeating crap fest.
I fret over my bills, my out goings and the pressure is building. All of my shoes have holes in them, clothes shopping hasn’t happened since the crash while I trim down my expenditure to fit my tiny income, I should have had insurance but I didn’t and that’s all on me I have to accept it, this whole situation is just so random that you can never plan for it.
How many times can I pick myself up, how long can I pretend to the outside world that everything is fine and that inside I have thoughts of cutting my own throat, why don’t I just do myself in? Well simple really, someone will have to tidy up my messy exsanguinated body and that could effect their life and I’m not down with that.
It’s a struggle my total income per month is £670 and when you need to visit so many specialist at three different hospitals the expense of that isn’t a help but it’s necessary. I need either to get to work or to avoid high bridges because this cloud I live under is getting darker by the day and my black dog is nipping at my heels.
I cry so much over the life I’ve lost but in my prode you’ll never see me do that and I really do worry about my ability to hang on.