Counting the cost

Since my crash the NHS has been amazing, if you’re in the US you might find it odd, personally I find it just as odd that you have to pay extra for your care, the NHS is brilliant and I find myself wondering how much would have my care cost in the US. I see invoices from people in the US who post to the internet and it scares the hell out of me and it doesn’t have any influence on my life.

The timeline for the crash is starts at the ambulance, when you’re in the ambulance do you get an invoice for everything? The cannula, the painkillers? Is the A&E a separate bill? The xrays, the CT scan, the MRI, not only that but through my ongoing care the NHS not only collects me from my house and takes me to hospital but also brings my back home.

I have consultants, physiotherapists, liver function specialist people and their ultrasound scan and another scan of a different type to try and determine how much impact damage my liver suffered.

The ongoing monitoring of my brain from October to April couldn’t have been cheap but it was necessary so that I could be given the all clear for spine surgery and then you have the time I spent in hospital, during which time there were therapists assessing my mental health, but I lied through my teeth so that they’d feel comfortable discharging me.

Since crashing I’ve come into contact with at least 50 medical professionals, and Leonard, perhaps the happiest porter in the whole system.

For all of this help I still feel like I’m falling through a gap in life, how do people in other countries without this kind of care manage? I’ve been given a crisis counsellor because frankly I wake up wondering how I can get through the day. We’ve had the conversation about “ if you’re feeling like you need to speak to someone ring this” I have two numbers that I’ll never call.

My self worth has gone through the floor, my sense of self is slowly withering away and my NHS provided support system is talking about helping me get through the PIP application and assessment system, that truly terrifies me.

I never wanted this to be about my mental health, all I wanted for this blog was to chat shit about cycling and set a record or two and now I’m at the point I’ve only ridden outside a few times, I’m scared and conflicted.

I love cycling but I can’t stop thinking about what if, what if I take another hit like that  and I know that it’s a rare thing statistically, I’ve been riding 30 years and this is the first head impact I’ve had but it’s still there at the back of my mind.

I just don’t know what to do.

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