Since my brain damage I’ve been struggling with other aspects of my mental wellbeing and I’m in therapy to help try and find a coping mechanism to help me manage my reaction to having my Phd knocked out of my head and the issues around my feeling worthless, and it’s truly that.
I’m no longer a productive member of society, and that is hurting me. The specialist keep telling me that it’s not my fault and that I am worth something and that things will get better, they want to medicate me to help reduce my frantic reaction to the way my new battered brain works, I hate it.
I know that they trying to help and they’re right there are plenty of other jobs out their, but those other jobs aren’t the job I worked all my life towards and they don’t seem to understand the loss I’m feeling, my life has changed in so many ways, I’ve gone from someone able to have money left and save a bit to being on the bones of my arse broke and receiving state help.
My reduced self-worth has led to self-enforced social iscolation, I don’t know how or why it happened, it just has, it might have started with the crash and the pain of it, it could be that I’ve just become used to being indoors but I can now go days without seeing another face.
The therapist has suggested that the failings in trying to arrange financial help of my setting records isn’t a good thing for my recovery and while it’s something seems something positive to focus on to get me back riding it overall is undermining to me moving forward as it engenders my feeling of failure.
So I’m truly failing in that I’m stopping even trying to set a record, that’s hard to swallow, but I said in an earlier post that the main problem would always be funding and since the savings I had have all been spent on my recovery it’s all over.
I came to this conclusion on a sunny bike ride through lovely lanes on a sunny day yesterday, cycling has always been about thinking space. The shitty thing is that since surgery my pedalling is so right, balanced, constant, my right leg has never been so happy.
So there it is, while I would love to continue with the record it really isn’t great for my mental health, I’ll still ride for power and fitness to be the best rider I can but without the pressure of arranging the record because being a newly created simpleton I can’t even begin to think about how to make it happen.