Weeks after spine surgery and my physical recovery is rather remarkable, my brain damage on the other hand is kicking my arse all over South London.
When I was at school I was picked on and bullied so in reaction to that I threw myself into my education, I was that “never missed a day” student, I spent lunch in the computer lab, which back in 1984 wasn’t what you’d see today in schools and we were actually taught how to programme and it’s something that I loved doing.
I’ve always been a nerdy girl and I see no shame in being educated or investing time in my education, having smarts and specs really does rock and then I had the ovaries to make it in a male dominated field where on more than one occasion I’d been asked to make some beardy engineer a cup-o-tea, and I can’t remember the same person making that demand more than once.
Brain damage is a funny thing, I was always under the impression that if I hit hard enough to break my egg then I would be pretty much a vegetable, sadly that’s not the case. I have memories of being in lectures, I have memories of years of study and toil, the nights out, the nights in working getting a bit spaced out on solvent based Pantone pens surrounded by crumpled up copic balls.
I remember lectures given by inspiration engineers and designers, I know I was there but I can’t remember many things I’ve learned, I can’t remember many things that I’ve picked up through a 20 year long career and I find myself increasingly becoming frustrated at the things I can’t do.
First it was 3D max, which I can understand, it’s hardly a small programme but this week I had an Adobe failure. Thinking about funding the record or part of my record attempt I thought I’d throw up a crowdfunder with a little video, you know how those things work and we’ve all thrown change a project that we’d like to see happen. I open my Adobe product and all I can do is stare at the screen with “what the fuck is that” going round my head.
It really does feel like everything that I worked so hard to achieve has been stripped away and when I say I’m struggling or in a bit of a pickle it actually means I’m struggling to find a reason to stay alive. It’s sad to say that the only really thing keeping me going is this bloody hour. The two things I love in my life and I only have one of those left and now it seems like the record won’t happen because frankly without deep pockets, team support or sponsorship it’s pointless even trying.
I have these pills, the doctor gave them to me to help me deal with and manage the brain issue but I’ve been avoiding them, they just sit on the book case while I consider what I’m doing. I know the side effects of the medication are weight gain and lethargy but they might also help me stop feeling so frantic and suicidal. I spend so much time crying at my losses which I refer to as self pity when actually I think I’m bereft or mourning the passing of my former self.
It’s hard to try and focus and stay positive, I have no doubt that my repaired body will perform as I need it to but I’m starting to understand that this can’t happen on my own with brain damage because I just lack the capacity to get it off the ground.
The conversations I have with neurologists and specialists are hardly supportive in a way that I want to hear, I want help recovering and they want me to accept that this is me for the rest of my life and the change is too much, too quick and too full on.
If you think you can help me get this hour record thing off the ground, leave a comment.