I’ve decided to get my head out of my arse and try not to be so bleak about the current broken back, brain damage, still a bit wonky situation.
It’s true that I’ve been a down in the dumps, and it’s not just the constant pain, the lack of sleeping and the work thing but it’s also something that I can’t really explain.
When I was down the pub with friends being ridiculed for being a knackered old roadie in the way that only friends can without being offensive, I really didn’t have a clue on what the fuck I was I doing, and by and large I still don’t but back then I also hadn’t actually committed to it.
Saying “ I’m going to have a pop at a record” and actually getting off your arse to train for it are two different things, I’m not an idiot, I know I am in fact that knackered old grinder, but that’s why I’m looking at the Master’s record, it’s not like I’m chasing Eve Stevens or anything but I fully understood that getting my body from here to there would take some work.
For a long time after my announcement I did very little because, well, my brain hadn’t caught up with my gob and by the time it did and I decided to actually do an FTP test we were heading into mid October and then I crashed.
It kind of felt like I had to drag something out of myself and say to it “ look this is what we’re doing to do , NOW get to work” I don’t know what that thing is but it took a lot of energy, and now it’s turned on it’s that same bit that really fucking annoyed that I can’t do anything, which puts me in the huffy tent.
Now, given that I can’t really ride, or I shouldn’t ride instead of sulking I decided to step things up and buy a pair of double sided PowerTap P1 pedals so I can use the advanced pedal metrics. The pedals are great, the software could look better and I’d like a wattbike-esque graphic of the pedal sausage. That the feature is only available on the Apple platform is perhaps the most stupid business decision since Ratner’s speech but I’m hoping it’s so they can at least get one platform right before tackling the rest, in the meantime I was pretty much forced into buying a second hand iPad mini because I really couldn’t live with myself if I had to buy a new apple anything.
Now, I can’t do intervals because my back can’t take it, I can’t put the Shiv on the turbo trainer because my back can’t take it, I can’t do long timed efforts, yep, because my back can’t take it. In truth I can manage half an hour before the compression kicks in and I have to get off, with that half an hour I now do pedalling drills.
I know it’s not the same as riding outside but I’m hoping it will be enough to both appease that once reluctant part of me that’s now chomping at the bit while making sure it doesn’t go back to where it lives and I have to spend the mental energy dragging it back out again.
I’m still set on being that best I can be on bike, I’m still intent on setting that bloody record but right now it’s important for me to keep thinking about the things I can do instead of the things I can’t. My core needs some serious work.