Keep calm they say.

I’ve agonised and cried a lot this weekend, since deciding on the British Women’s Master’s Hour and then breaking my back and then still waiting for surgery I was beginning to feel a little tested, this weekend I opened the first letter that advised against me doing the record due to my spine condition and nerve damage.

In times of stress my default position is to go for bike ride, I looked at my tarmac, looked at the letter and rang the delivery service.

I’m so stuck right now part of me wants to just jack it all in, sell the bikes and everything. I’m tired of the pain, not sleeping is frying me emotionally and the brain damage frustrated me so much I folded the business, put the workstation under the stairs and now some arse is telling me what I can’t do.

I don’t really know if I’m more upset at the thought not being able to hit a target no matter how moving it is or that I have to face the fact that I’m closer to my retirement than I am my 20s and that’s a bit of a choker. I think that if it was either the brain damage or the broken back I’d be coping much better but some days I just don’t manage at all. Character building you might say. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t resent my head injury, my job was a very big defining thing in my life and I was very proud.

For months now I’ve been telling myself that this is the month they’ll fix me and I’m worn down by it. It’s not like this body can withstand long periods of inactivity and then bounce back to 100%. I really don’t know if I can be arsed to do it, perhaps I should save my money and build the extension to the house and take up knitting.

The thing that’s stopping me from quitting is ingrained, a gift given to me, you can take the girl from the army but you can’t take the army from the girl. I still get up everyday in the hope that i’ll be able to ride, more often than not I find myself sitting on the sofa watching BBC breakfast looking longingly out of the window hoping for that moment when i might be able to get some fresh air

My pre surgery was also moved back to March 1st, it’s just been a bit pants all round.

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